Make New Friends, but Keep the Old

…one is silver and the other gold.

Like a mother who becomes pregnant a second time and worries that her heart won’t be big enough to love another child the same, so thinks my heart sometimes when opening up to new friendships. It’s a silly thing to think about, and I’m sure that not everyone shares or even contemplates this struggle. If I have friends that I love and cherish so very much, then surely my heart cannot handle loving more people at this level, right? I’m finding flaws in my thinking. Jesus, when here on earth, never said, “Well, I’m only here for a little while, so it’s probably better that you don’t get to know me because I have to leave soon and then only my Father knows the exact time I’ll be back.” Nope, instead he poured himself out, cared deeply and shared extravagantly until it was finished. I want to be like my Jesus.

When I first found out that we were heading home soon, I started to shut down a bit. I would avoid meeting new people and lingering in conversations even amongst people that I enjoyed being around. I thought I was protecting them and protecting myself. If we stop spending time together and stop practicing love, then when we are separated by my moving away it won’t hurt as much, right? I realized very quickly that this was a very difficult task to accomplish amidst such a close-knit community and that this defense mechanism was faulty.

Relationship and sharing the love of Jesus are what we came here for in the first place. I don’t know when the switch changed in my mind, but it didn’t take long before I knew that there is no way to protect myself from the pain of separation. We were not designed to be separated from our loved ones and it will always hurt when we are.

It seems like a reminder of the separation we have landed in as descendants of Adam and Eve and how much we need the love and healing that the Father continues to offer us. It is not good for man to be alone. There are so many layers to that. However, God’s response to this was not “Well, let’s make sure my people don’t get to know anyone because they could be separated from each other one day and then that might be uncomfortable.” No, God has always wanted us to be in relationship.

“How are you doing?” is a question that carries so much weight these days. The implied (or sometimes verbalized) following questions are “Are you sad to be leaving? Are you excited to be going home? Are you scared? Are you ready?” There is no simple How are you doing? these days. I hate it, but it forces me to process this transition with less opportunity to sweep it under the rug. It comes from a place of caring, but ends up just reminding me of the awkward transition ahead. How do I answer this question? Honestly, I’m feeling all the feelings, but not really trusting most of the feelings. My feelings come and go. While they are often indicators, I have learned that the best place to put my trust at any and all time is not my feelings, but in Jesus. He is Faithful and True.

I usually answer with, “I’m sad to go under these circumstances, but I’m trusting that God has good plans through whatever testimony He is weaving.” It’s like running. Oh man I really don’t like going for a run, but after the run I feel so good. I trust that this next season, however long, will be like a run. There will be hills and sometimes it will be fun to run quickly down a hill, but what I really want is that feeling of having finished the run well.

I’m sad to say goodbye to my friends here. I’m so bummed to be leaving the school, house, community, bumpy dirt roads, monkey- and flower-filled trees, affordable macadamias and mangoes, and star-filled night skies. I will miss my running partners who taught me how to run up hills through the macadamia farms. I will miss the pump track where my kids learned to love mountain biking and the complimentary juices and hot drinks that were available to all of the parents during sporting events. I will miss chasing the kids out of the house at any hour to say, “Go play with a friend,” and then watch them play for hours together or disappear into the woods to Kiah’s Secret Fort (which is not a secret to anyone). I will miss quality $3 car washes and chocolate chunk rusks. I will miss pap and the neighbor’s cows that jingle their bells as they munch the underbrush along the fenceline. I will miss the owls hooting at night and the lines of fuzzy caterpillars that I feel so guilty to have to drive over when they span the entire road on my way to school. I will miss Kruger National Park and the amazing wild animals. No zoo will ever compare.

On the other hand, I have mixed feelings about electric fences now. Will I miss them or will I not? I’m wondering if I will feel safe without them back home now. I won’t miss the number of times our house alarm went off in the middle of the night because of an animal interrupting the beams. I long for a hit of some high speed internet that actually loads a page faster than dial up. I can’t wait to tell Siri to turn all the lights off when I leave the house and play my favorite songs when I get home. I can’t wait to save up all my money just to eat Pad See Ew and sip Bubble Tea down the street. I can’t wait to bike along the beach to church and hug my favorite people as we sing songs that have thought-provoking verses and not just a one-line chorus on repeat until someone stands up to share a questionable vision that they just had. Can you tell that I miss my home church?

My heart though? My heart is heavy for the things that we will have to walk through when we get home. But in contrast, my spirit is light. I have tasted and seen the goodness of God and I trust that He will not abandon us because nothing can separate us from His love. All of the things that Eric put into the last blog were, and continue to be, true for us. We are experiencing peace that surpasses understanding. How can we have both challenge and peace simultaneously? Well, I’m starting to think that Jesus also had a similar experience. He was constantly moving, giving, challenged, suffering pain through worldly circumstances, but He shared with us this amazing relationship that He had with His Father. He made a way for us to have access to this relationship as well. When He teaches His disciples to pray He doesn’t say, “When you talk to my Father, you can call Him ‘Jesus’ Father.’” Instead he teaches us to pray “Our Father,” connecting us, healing our brokenness even as he restores our relationship with God.

I can say with experience that having a second child can be just as wonderful as having one child and, somehow, the Lord provides (as He does for all good things He creates) in miraculous ways that I don’t know that I will ever fully understand. No, my friends are not my children, but I love them more deeply than I knew that I could and I’m trusting that God has a good plan through all of this. It’s barely been six months, but I feel like we can say we lived here. It’s only been six months, but our worldview has expanded. It’s only been six months, but hopefully we’ll never be the same, for God’s glory.

In other news

• A Caterpillar Convoy with essential commentary by Beth.

• A little piece of home spotted in a local shop.

• Eric had never before (this blog) heard "Make new friends and keep the old..." now he has :)

• We head back to the states with a layover in London next week

• Eric spent the last two weeks in Malawi and will share some really awesome elements of his time in the next blog

• Tali busted her knee in a mountain biking accident and has been limping since, Beth has been coughing for I don't know how long, but the rest of us are healthy and doing well physically at the moment

• Today Zac finished grade 0, Beth 3rd, and Tali 6th. They are on waitlists at several Alameda schools at the moment, so we're not sure where they'll land in August.

• Today a monkey snuck into our kitchen while I was in it and stole a banana off the counter

• I stalk Grace Alameda's worship set and I love the song they've added to their repertoire lately and can't wait to sing it with them in person as soon as we get home mid July. Here it is by one of my childhood favorite artist/composers who grew up and married one of my other favorite artist/composer. If you didn't know, now you know :)